Are the seemingly endless difficulties in your daily relationships overwhelming? You may ask yourself if there really is light at the end of the relationship tunnel? The answer is yes. Relationships can improve and become more loving, or you can adapt to what is and stay neutral but not necessarily loving, or one or the other will leave the relationship. Any of those scenarios can lead to light at the end of the tunnel.
That light is created by the moment to moment choices that you make that will effect the outcome of having a more harmonious, loving relationship. Those choices are a direct result of how you perceive that person or partner. If there is animosity, fear, emotional pain, distrust and any other feelings that result in your withdrawal, or anger than your choices are fed by what is past and not the present. You are than both stuck in the hardship and power struggle of relationship.
How do you change my perceptions?
1. First acknowledge what are your perceptions. Write how you truly see this person. Not what they have or have not done to you, but how they are seen in your eyes. Maybe they are angry, withdrawn, sloppy, not caring the list can go on and on about your perceptions. These are the labels that you have imprinted on their energy field. I can tell you from years of seeing this in all sorts of relationships that it’s very difficult, almost impossible, to NOT BE the label when your boxed in by it.
2. Remember everyone has stories and your history shapes who you are today. So opening your heart to what was their history that influenced their behavior now, could be helpful. If the door is open for those discussions without blaming them for what has been shared, than do so. If discussions cannot be had, than simply opening yourself to feel the possibility that their past may have been difficult. Potentially that past created the person now with their behaviors and actions. In doing so compassion can enter the relationship and you benefit by having a more open heart.
3. Reflection..... Is there a part of what you dislike about them? If so is that part a reflection of either a hidden or denied part of yourself?? Investigating that possibility can often shift perception. Taking accountability for what is in front of you and how you attracted it as a lesson can be profound.
4. An excellent communication skill can be found in Feel....Want.... Willing. Once you discover all the above, you may have come to the place where your perceptions of both yourself and the person have changed. Congrats! Now its time to step up and speak the truth. Example in speaking to someone that an issue is presented say: When this happens or when you do this..... I feel ( sad, discouraged, angry, lost, forgotten...). What I want is ......( to feel closer to you, be appreciated, included, heard......). What I am willing to do is......( a new behavior that doesn’t include negative reactions. Example: I’m willing to leave the conversation if you are too angry, I am willing to stop my internal conversation and listen to you, give you space, love you ......)
This last step is a precursor to a better place in any relationship. Remind yourself that we are all human, it is one of our missions to act in a truthful, loving way to each other.
In my next blog we will see how to deal with difficult relationships that are in the past or there isn’t room for discussion in the present.
Until then be grateful for what you have, love when you can, and know you always have choice!